What luck! [BrainStemScoliosis]

“BIGGESS POOPIES”

John heard the scream of his mare coming from upstairs and ran out of the basement. Moaning and crying in pain was his fluffy Topaz.
Her water had already broken so John rushed behind her, thanking the good lord for giving him the foresight to leave a spare towel beside the soon mummah bed.

As he began to soothe and encourage the first time mother as best he could, John barely made out the sounds of chirping over his fluffy’s screams, and looked down to see a blue foal chirping and squirming.

Cursing, John picked up the foal and carefully nested it in his hoodie pocket, praying that the litter would be small and the birth short. He did not have to wait long for the next foal to arrive, then another, then four more.


You are Topaz, you just became a mummah! You had really, really big huwties when your babehs came out of you. Worse than when you tried to fly and had bigess huwties. But you’re better now, everything is better now; you have babehs!

There’s “wun, too, tfwee, fouw, faive, six!”
Six beautiful children, daddy giggles as you finish counting, it’s not the usual giggle but this is no ordinary event.

“Cum to mummah babehs! Ou nee’ bestest milkies an’ huggies!”
Your six chriping children beging to crawl towards your teats as you struggle to sit up, you make sure to pick up and clean each of them and let every babeh have their share of milkies. You love your babehs so much and you want them to love you too!


“Well, well, it looks like we had two miracles today”
John grabs the seventh foal from his hoodie pocket, and begins heating up a bottle of premade fluffy milk formula. Topaz was so engrossed by her ‘six’ children that she didn’t even notice him leaving the room.

“I’ve always wanted to rear a foal, just gotta teach to be quiet and stay out of sight and I’ll have a fluffy of my very own”

The foal only chriped in response and snuggled against the palm of his hand, desperately trying to keep warm the best it could.

By the time John had finished feeding the foal and hidden him safely in a tin box, Topaz was still tending to her foals seemingly unaware of his disappearance.


“Towpaz suu sweepy” YAWN
“Am babehs sweepy tuu?”

Thank sketti-daddeh, your babehs have stopped chriping and are huddled against your miwkie-pwace. Careful not to disturb them you lay down on your side, and tenderly nudge your foals towards your bewwy fwuff.
You’re exhausted, you were so preoccupied with your newborns that you forgot about daddeh and were nearly startled when you saw him besides you soon-mummah bed.
“Fank-ou fow hewp dada, Topaz su~”
YAWN
“~happies tu hab babehs”

Daddehs smiles and softly rubs your head,
“I’m so happy to hear that Topaz, now get some sleep”

You nod and close your eyes, you’re so lucky to have such a nice daddeh. You hope your foals love him just as much as you do.


Post words

Thank you for reading!
At the suggestion of BFM and SqueakyFriends I’ve written this (relatively) short story to practice strategies they and others have recommended to improve my storytelling.
Feedback is very much appreciated and thanks again to everyone who shared their wisdom and experience.

9 Likes

It looks good! Fun and kept me engaged, good amount of detail and I’m curious about the mention of having “his very own fluffy” - after all, if Topaz isn’t his …

The only things I’d suggest:

  1. Do a li’l extra proofreading, you have a couple of typos in there (chriping, “you” instead of “your”). It’s hard to manage when you’re reading your own story though, so I understand missing 'em - lord knows I have to do like four run-throughs of my own writings, and I still miss stuff. Normally, you’d catch some of them with an auto-correct, but fluff-speak makes that one a tad less useful.
  2. On a related note, using fluff-speak in the fluffy’s sections is fine and helps separate Topaz from her owner, but I don’t think you need the fluffy pronunciations (miwkie-pwace, bewwy fwuff) outside of dialogue. Fluffies do mean to say “milkie-place”, they just have a big lisp.

Otherwise it’s great though! I thought it was an experienced author until I reached the post words.

5 Likes

Thank a lot for the feedback! I’m glad you enjoyed the story.

I have a nasty habit of doing things halfway, I should really get into the habit of re-reading my work before I publish it.

You’re absolutely right about the fluffy pronunciation, I was really hesitant about just writing the proper words but now I know. It’ll also be a lot easier not having to think of how a fluffy would pronounce it.

This story is only this good thanks to you and everyone who gave me pointers, the answers everybody gave have been immensely helpful.

1 Like