"We'll Set The Night Aflame" by NobodyAtAll

Note: read “The Fiendlord” and “Unlife’s a Beach” first.


In a small town somewhere in Wallachia, Romania, on a dark, cloudy night, two hooded figures meet in a bar.

The bar is empty, not counting the bartender, a portly man whose eyes are currently glazed over. He’s absent-mindedly attempting to clean a dirty glass with an even dirtier rag. He only speaks to order anyone else who enters out.

The hooded figures sit across a table from each other, and absolutely no drinks are on the table. Next to the table, there is a large leather bag.

They’ll be getting their drinks soon.


The first figure speaks in a Spanish-accented female voice.

“It’s going to happen soon, Crispin. The girl is in place. She’ll make her move any day now.”

The other figure speaks in a slow, deep male voice.

“Once she’s in, she knows what to do. By the time the bloodbags realize she’s gone, it’ll be too late. We’ll have everything we need. The power to withstand the damned sun. The world will belong to us, Esmeralda.”

Esmeralda nods.

Fucking Korkea and his bloodbag gang will be hot on our trail. Joke’s on him, though, because that’s what we want him to do.”

Crispin chuckles.

“And he’ll probably be coming alone, since he’ll be fully aware of who he’s dealing with. That sappy bloodbag won’t want to risk any of his friends being turned. And this will be much easier than finding a way to get to him. Getting to Korkea is virtually impossible. His home, the School, pretty much every place he visits on a regular basis is too heavily protected. But if he voluntarily walks right into Bran Castle…”

Esmeralda chuckles too, smiling wickedly.

“Then he’ll have us right where we want him. That was a masterstroke on the Fiendlord’s part, by the way. Making Bran Castle our headquarters.”

Both of them laugh.

Right? It’s the one place the bloodbags wouldn’t think to look, Esmeralda! They’d think it’s too obvious!

“Hiding in plain sight! Right under the stupid bloodbags’ noses!”

Eventually, the laughter dies down.

Esmeralda continues.

“And the Fiendlord is the most powerful wizard in the world. So our wards will hold. Everyone thinks that bloodbag Faucheuse is more powerful, but he never even learned blood magic, while our great and powerful Lord has mastered it. As long as the former remains true, our Lord will always be more powerful.”

Crispin laughs again.

“Ha. I would pity those weak fools too cowardly to learn blood magic, but they don’t deserve pity, and I have none to give them.”

“Yes, you’re certainly not like that little sun-loving bloodbag-hugger bitch Morris. We’ll be dealing with him later, too. I think we should force him to feed on stray dogs. We should use him as a footstool. If he’s going to act like a bloodbag, we’ll treat him like a bloodbag.”

Crispin nods in agreement, and offers some more suggestions.

“We should force him to feed on the man-wolf, too. Or we could stake his shitrat and make him watch. The three of them might be tagging along with Korkea, but we’ll still outnumber them.”

“We should probably recruit some more people, too, just to be sure. Speaking of which, what do you say we get our drinks and go?”

“Heh, alright. I’ve been wondering what this fat fuck’s blood tastes like.”

The two vampires get up and walk over to the bar.

They both smile. Or at least, they both bare their teeth.

Crispin addresses the bartender.

“Oh, barkeep? We’d like a Bloody… Bartender.”


“Mmm. That was surprisingly good. A nice smoky flavor.”

“We should have saved some for later, Crispin.”

“Ahh, you’re right. Oh well. No point in crying over spilled blood. Follow us, fatso.”

“Yes, Master Crispin.”

Half an hour later, three hooded vampires exit the bar, one of them carrying a bag.

The bag contained extra hooded robes for this exact reason.

The new vampire is a bit on the, um, large side, so his robe is a tight fit.

But an all-blood diet will make the excess weight melt away in no time.

Across the street, a seemingly ordinary plumber’s van has been parked there the entire time.

The inside of the van is not ordinary at all. There’s not a single plunger, or wrench, or perhaps matching sets of red and green overalls and caps, but there are several computers and various other strange devices, as well as many implements used to hunt vampires, werewolves and demons.

Three individuals are inside the van, watching one screen that has been displaying the interior of the bar, and another screen showing the vampires leaving.

One of the individuals, an attractive young woman with blue eyes, her blonde hair in a long pleat, speaks up.

Under the thick brown leather cloak she wears, gleaming silver can be glimpsed. On her hip hangs a gleaming silver chain whip, too.

“This is a pretty impressive piece of tech, Gizmo. We saw and heard everything.

Gizmo, a rather average looking young man, a couple of years older than the woman, with messy black hair, a pale, round face and glasses, replies.

“Thanks, Sonia. I’ve been working on this for a while. I mean, I’m no Pierre Faucheuse…”

The third individual, a brown and blue unicorn stallion with grey eyes, speaks up.

A brown rubber sheath over the stallion’s horn masks the fact that his horn has been sharpened, and coated with a layer of silver.

“Oh shush, Gizmo. Huntew fink yu am pwenty gud.”

“Thank you too, Hunter. But this is big, guys. Those bloodsuckers are planning something bad. And they’re luring Korkea into a trap. He needs to know.”

Sonia shrugs.

“Well we don’t have a way to teleport to America, and we don’t have Korkea’s phone number. And for some reason, all his social media accounts block anyone not on his friend list from messaging him, and he’s very picky about accepting friend requests, so that’s not an option either. We won’t be able to warn him until it’s too late.”

Gizmo, as his friends call him, isn’t worried.

“You’re looking at this from the wrong direction, Sonia. You’ve been trained to think like a vampire, so use it. We don’t need to go to Korkea. Like the bloodsuckers, we can let him come to us. We know where the bastards are hiding now. And we know that they plan to lure Korkea there. So all we have to do is get there before Korkea does, and wait for him.”

Sonia looks around.

“Can this thing get us to Bran Castle in time, though?”

Gizmo chuckles.

“I’ve souped this baby up a bit. Hopefully we can be in position before the girl, whoever she is, makes her move, whatever she’s planning.

Sonia looks around at the various anti-monster weapons.

“But the bloodsuckers said Korkea will be bringing vampires of his own, and a werewolf. I understand that the three of them are on our side, but will Korkea understand that we’re on his side?”

Gizmo waves off Sonia’s concerns.

“If he’s as nice as everyone says he is, he’ll listen to us. We’ll show Korkea that we’re here to help him.”

“I hope you’re right.”

“If yu too am dun yakkin, can we git moo-vin? We nu haf a wotta time.”

The two humans turn to Hunter.

Sonia strokes him.

“You’re absolutely right. Gizmo, the coast is clear, get up front and let’s go already.”

“Right, babe. If we make it out of this, I think it’s time you got your driver’s license, because I’m honestly starting to get sick of always being the driver.”

After Gizmo steps out of the back of the truck, and gets into the driver’s seat, Sonia turns to him, blows a loose strand of hair out of her face, and smiles at her boyfriend.

“Well, I’m sorry, Gizmo, but I was too busy learning how to kill vampires to learn how to drive. It’s not just learning all of their weaknesses, y’know.”

Gizmo cracks a grin.

“Yeah, I know, I’ve seen you under that armor. You’ve got the body of a temple dancer and sinews you could moor a ship with. You’re a helluva woman, Sonia. I dunno why you’re with a schlub like me.

Sonia makes her way over to the front and kisses Gizmo.

“Because you’re a good guy, Gizmo. You’ve got a good brain and a good heart, and I think that’s sexy as hell. I mean, out of all the guys in the world, you’re the one doing all of this with me.”

“Thanks, babe. I’m happy to help, you know that.”

“Hey, wub-biwdie-munstahs! Shud up an dwive!

As Sonia and Gizmo laugh, Gizmo starts up the van, and the trio drives off into the night.

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