"Parks and Recreation" by NobodyAtAll

Note: read “The Warriors Four”, “Two Point Hospital”, “Andre: The Next Episode” and “Little Hydrox” first. Spoilers for the Fiendlord Saga and the Primal Earth Saga.


It’s another nice day at the park, and several of the ChaotiX have gathered with their fluffies.

Reiner Swan, the wizzard who can’t spell, watches his fluffy Horace and his Luggage play huggy tag with his dwarven friend Gilius Bli’kzim-ku’up’s golden fluffies, Gold and Glitter.

Reiner is in street clothes, with a Chaotix logo patch on his jacket, and Gilius has an identical patch on his street clothes.

Plate mail. It’s casual plate mail. It has a whimsical flower pattern on it. To a dwarf, not wearing armor is basically being naked.

“Howace gut yu, Wug-age!”

The Luggage is a lot more gentle and friendly than the one belonging to Reiner’s counterpart. Deston theorises that the Luggage shares some kind of link with its master, and because Reiner is happier than his counterpart, so is the Luggage.

Glitter is already visibly a soon-mummah.

She eventually stops playing to sing a mummah song to her soon-babbehs.

:musical_note: “Mummah wub babbehs, babbehs wub mummah…” :musical_note:

The wizzard and the dwarf sit on a nearby bench with smiles on their faces.

“Glitter seems a lot better off, mate. That regeneration treatment worked a treat.”

Gilius nods.

“Oh, aye. Erwin says it’ll be a happy, healthy litter. That the foals will be worth a bundle is just a bonus.

The two watch an attractive blonde pregnant woman walk by, looking at the wizzard, dwarf, box on legs and fluffies with fury on her face.

Reiner and Gilius just laugh.

Then they laugh again when Gilda almost bumps into one of their other friends.

“Watch where you’re going, you big stupid troll-- oh.”

Gilda has just noticed the ChaotiX patch on Kobul’s bare chest.

She decides to leave as quickly as possible.

Glitter pays no attention whatsoever to her former owner, because Glitter knows that Gilda never cared about her.

Kobul walks up to the other Warriors Two, Angus the pictsie sitting on his shoulder.

Angus has a tiny patch of the ChaotiX logo on his kilt. Val shrunk it to fit using Amy’s shrinking tech.

“You guys hear? Gilda and Scott, dey got a divorce.”

Angus grins at the fleeing Gilda.

“Crivens! I feel a wee bittie sorry for tha next bloke she gets yon hooks into. Bitch is a gold-digger, ye ken.”

Gilius laughs a third time.

“So am I. And so is Vic.”

Reiner pats Gilius on the back.

“The difference, mate, is that you two were literally digging for gold. It’s good honest work, that is.”

That’s true, Reiny.”


Meanwhile, Gyll the Hydroxian and his family watch their aquafluffy Neptune play with Splash, Artie Norris’ fluffy, in a large fountain.

Gyll and his family are sitting in the fountain, because it’s rather hot today, and they needed some dip.

Splash and Neptune are racing around the fountain, and Neptune is winning.

splish splash splish

“Neptune am da best awownd! Nuffin eba gunna keep Neptune down!”

Gyll turns to Artie.

“So how’s Glenn’s training doing?”

“Good, good. He’s unlocked a few of Grandleon’s special abilities. And he’s thinking about rejoining the Association. They’d be happy to take him back, he’s never broken the Hunter’s Code, even after quitting.”

“You know that’s not what I mean, Artie.”

“Oh, of course. We weren’t sure if he could cross Threshold X while cursed, y’know. But me and Splash were happy to train him.”

Yes, Glenn turned out to be X-Positive.

His power? Hydrokinesis. For some reason. It’s devastating against vampires when combined with holy water.

Valerie has also supplied Glenn with a custom silver-plated pair of High-Jump Boots, because she felt it was a perfect fit for him, for a reason she just couldn’t explain.

Gyll snaps his webbed fingers.

“Oh, shoot, I just remembered, we’ve gotta go to Flufftopia. We’re running low on kibble.”

Aquafluffies are just as omnivorous as regular fluffies, although aquafluffies have a preference for seafood.

For this reason, Flufftopia now sells Überfluff Bestest Fishie Nummies fish-flavored kibble.

Of course, Gyll is a ChaotiX member, so he gets his fluffy supplies for free.


Danny Hartman and Reilly Peterson watch Ghost and Mayday chase a ball.

Well, they watch Mayday.

“Ghost! Nu in-vis-ee-biwwy-tee!”

Ghost turns visible again.

“Ghost am sowwy, Mayday.”

Danny and Reilly were sitting near Reiner and Gilius, so they saw Gilda too.

Danny takes Reilly’s hand.

“Babe, I know how Cal feels. I’ve got a bitchy ex too.”

“Oh yeah, that goth vegan chick. How old were you when you dated her?”

“I was just 14. Ah, high school. I was friends with this nerdy guy back then, I haven’t seen him in a while. Heard he wants to run for Mayor when he’s older. Poor bastard, he’s got his work cut out for him.”

“Ha, I’m surprised anyone dares to run against Mayor Logan. Dude is scary.

“Eh, he’s a good guy. He cares about the city, he cares about the people, he cares about the fluffies, and he keeps the city running efficiently.”

“I heard that he hates mimes, though. And that he built a secret scorpion pit in the city hall.”

“…Reilly, you can’t believe everything you hear. That’s preposterous, even by our standards.”

“You mean Mayor Logan hating mimes, or him building a a scorpion pit?”

“The scorpion thing, obviously. Mimes are creepy, and this is the guy with ghost powers saying it.”


Dr. Jackson Clockson and Dr. Alexander Ginger walk together, followed by Magnum in his custom MagnumMobile.

Jack glances at the name tag on Alex’s labcoat.

“Hey Alex, wasn’t your surname–”

“I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about, Jack. It’s always been Ginger. Have you been messing with history?”

“I wouldn’t dream of it, Alex.”

“Then I suggest we never speak of this again.”

“Agreed.”

Jack’s wearing regular street clothes today: the booty shorts and thigh highs he loves so much, and a RockCon T-shirt.

“This is a blatant attempt to change the subject, but you and Roland had a blast at RockCon, didn’t you?”

“Oh yeah. We laughed every time a music lover walked in, thinking it was a rock music convention. I asked Val if I could bring one of those Chicxulub fragments, but she said hell the fuck no. I get it, I would have impressed a ton of rock maniacs, but it ain’t worth the risk.”

“Yes, two of the dinotites already made it across. Zhala, back in '93, and Nhiz, when he was chasing Yoshi. I don’t know how Zhala crossed over, though.”

“Val told me. Promise to keep it a secret?”

“My lips are sealed.”

“Victor was keeping a portal open while Pierre was collecting T-Rex DNA, and Zhala slipped through. Vic just put him in a headlock and dragged him back to the other side.”

“That was after Pierre saw Jurassic Park, wasn’t it?”

“Oh yeah. It was a fuckin’ catastrophe, from what I heard.”

The duo sees Roland “Rocky” Rhoades chatting with Andre Dibny.

Andre’s fluffies, Magic and Johnson, are driving a pair of the new Fluffriders, the lowrider version of the Fluffmobile. Magic’s is purple, Johnson’s is yellow.

“Vwoom! Magic wub dis Fwuffwidew!”

“Junsun gun make dis fing bounce, nigguh!”

Roland frowns.

“Not sure how I feel about fluffies saying that word. Honestly, I think afro fluffies are kind of racist.”

Andre cackles.

“Nigga, you need to relax. I think they’re hilarious.

“That word is a cruel reminder of an ugly chapter of our history, Andre. I don’t think anyone should say it.”

“Yeah, I know. A lotta us brothers still gettin’ treated like shit. It’s shameful. But it’s all about context, nigga. If Cal walked up to me all like what’s good, nigga?, I wouldn’t mind. ‘Cause I know he ain’t sayin’ it outta hate.”

“True, but I’ve never heard him say it.”

“Ha, yeah, he’s tried, I said it was okay to say it around me, but he just couldn’t bring himself to say it. That’s also hilarious, white people who can’t say nigga, even when they got permission. Always funny, Rocky.”

“Okay, I’ll give you that one.”


Henry Morris, vampire, lounges on a blanket on the grass.

The blanket is black, and has a bat pattern on it.

Henry knitted it himself.

Yes, he knits.

Henry is wearing his Sun Pearl, a Batman T-shirt and his bat print swimming trunks, and he’s barefoot. He’s sipping a can of NuBlood through a bendy straw. Several more cans are in his gym bag.

Nearby, Harley and Jackie, Henry’s vampiric adopted children, play with Carmilla, Henry’s vampiric fluffy. Harley and Carmilla are both wearing Sun Pearls.

Jackie doesn’t need one, because he’s a dhampir. All of the power of a vampire, none of the weaknesses.

Jackie brushes his long light blue hair out of his eyes.

“Phew, it’s a hot one today.”

He sees the look on Harley’s face.

“You need a drink, Harl?”

Harley nods, so Jackie turns to Henry.

“Hey, Dad! Toss Harl a can, will ya!”

Henry grabs a can out of the bag and tosses it at Harley.

Harley catches it with her vampiric reflexes.

Henry wouldn’t have thrown it if he knew that she couldn’t catch it.

gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp

Harley drains the can in seconds, and then crushes it against her head.

crunch

A trivial feat for a vampire.

She flings the can into a nearby trash can with expert aim.

clang

“Thanks, Dad! I really needed that.”

Carmilla smiles up at Harley.

“Du Hawwey haf tu cwush da can evwee time?”

Harley shrugs.

“Hey, that way it takes up less space in the trash can, Carmilla.”

“Dat am twoo. Gib a hoot, dunt poh-wute.”


Seth and Needles watch Caelum and Spike play hide and seek.

Like most games fluffies play, it involves hugs when the hider is found.

“Fownd yu, Spike!”

“Now it am yu tuwn tu hide, Caiwum!”

“Otay!”

Spike puts his hooves over his eyes while Caelum hides in a bush.

“Wun… too… um… manee… wots…”

Fluffies aren’t the best at counting, generally speaking.

Meanwhile, Seth and Needles are chatting about a humorous misunderstanding made by Needles.

“So I see the sign, and I’m like hell yes, a rock convention, this is what the world needs, but then I walk in and it’s just a bunch of nerds geeking out over actual rocks!”

“Jack and Rocky coulda told you that, Needles, they were there.

“Oh, I saw them. We had a good laugh together.”

“How’s Radioactive Biohazard doing?”

“Good, good! But we could never be as good as Zephyr.”

“Don’t be like that! I never thought we’d get our big break. But people like our sound. They like your sound too. I’ll talk to my people, maybe you can audition. Or we could do a collab.”

“You’d do that for us?”

“Hey, we’re brothers in arms, and brothers in music. You remind me of a younger me, Neil. You don’t mind people using your real name, right?”

“Nah. I ain’t gonna pull a knife on you over it.”

“Speaking of, I heard about your prowess with a knife from Rex.”

“I grew up in a rough neighborhood. Spent a year in juvie, y’know. I ain’t proud of it.”

“What’d you do?”

“Hotwired a car and took it for a joyride.”

“Damn. That’s rough.”

“It was a Lamborghini. At the time, I thought it was totally worth it.”

“…It kinda was.”

“…Yeah…”


Eventually, someone else walks through the park.

Scott Korkea, Calvin’s eldest brother.

He’s holding hands with another blonde woman, who has the same “I just hooked a big one!” look on her face that Gilda had when she first started dating Scott, about two months before their wedding.

Scott still hasn’t realized what the look on his new girlfriend’s face means. Nor did he notice that she only became interested in him when he mentioned his wealth.

Scotty also does not know that his new girlfriend is also already pregnant.

They have not yet slept together.

Here we go again.

Once they’re out of earshot, every ChaotiX member present starts howling with laughter.

Andre laughs so hard he falls onto the grass.

“Nigga ain’t learned a goddamn thing! Damn, I’m glad Cal ain’t like that!”

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