"Lavender: Vengeance" by NobodyAtAll

Warning: spoilers for the Auldryn Saga.

You are Lavender, and you’ve just had a long dawk time.

When you and Magnum were twaining with Famke and Chakra, everyone was told that a big munstah called Legion was on its way to the sitty.

When it arrived, you saw that it was a big, big munstah, even bigger than the one you had saved your daddeh from a while ago. It was made of lots and lots and lots of fluffies that had gone forever sleepies. And it started smashing the whole sitty up.

After mistah Cal and Marley started fighting it, a whole bunch of robots showed up.

They all had pointy hats on.

You and Magnum had fun smashing them with your floaty thing, and so did Famke and Chakra. They weren’t nice robots, like mistah Prommy, or mistah Alpha and miss Beta.

And then a dee-mun wizz-uwd who is apparently the dok-tows’ daddeh tried to smoosh the whole sitty with a big big rockie.

But mistah Cal and Marley flew up to the rockie and smashed it up into lots of little pieces.

It was actually very pretty.

When they came back down, they came down with five… well, you thought they were an-guws, like mistah Samuel and miss Gabriel and their friends.

You saw one that looked just like Marley, and an older mistah, and a younger mistah with orange not-fluff, and a pretty wady with yellow not-fluff…

But your daddeh’s bwuddah was there too.

Not your old daddeh, but your daddeh’s other bwuddah, Klaus, who you had never met before, but your daddeh had shown you foh-tohs of him. Klaus had run away a long time ago, your daddeh said.

A while back, mister Cal had told your daddeh and mummah that they had found Klaus, and that Umbra, the really bad fluffy, had made Klaus do what Umbra wanted. And then Umbra made Klaus go forever sleepies.

So, can hoomins become an-guws after they go forever sleepies too? Like how your old daddeh and James became dee-muns?

You wanted to ask, but it didn’t seem like the right time.

There was still a dee-mun to deal with, after all.

In the end, mistah Cal fixed the sitty with the dee-mun’s magic stick, and a funny looking… you think he was a hoomin… took the dee-mun away.

Your daddeh showed up using his blooper, and saw his bwuddah.

“KLAUS?!? Is that you-- wait, are you our Klaus?”

Klaus laughed.

“Yes, I’m your Klaus, Leslie. It’s been too long, bro.”

You looked up at him.

“Su am un-cuw Kwaus an-guw nao?”

He shook his head.

“I’m a nephilim. I’m still human, but I have the power of an angel now.”

“Du dat meen dat un-cuw Kwaus am guin back Up Dewe nao?”

“I can, but I don’t have to. I’ll still need to go back to recharge, and talk to the Boss, but, since I am originally of this plane… I don’t have to leave.”

You looked around.

“Wut pwane? Wavendew nu see anee pwane.”

“It means I can stay on Earth, Lav.”

Your daddeh hugged your un-cuw.

“We’ve missed you so much, bro.”

“I’ve missed you too, bro.”

“First Chris, now you! I thought I’d never see either of you again!”

“Les, I am so sorry for running out.”

“We’re taking you to the Inn, I want you to meet Nice Chris.”

“Am fwom anudda timewine, yu see.”

Your un-cuw saw mistah Caw listening in, and turned to him.

“Mika says hi. So do your parents. They’re all proud of you.”

Mistah Caw got sad wawas in his see-places, but he was smiling.

Who’s Mika?

Your un-cuw turned back to your daddeh.

“I always wanted to come back, but Umbra enslaved me before I could work up the courage to put the bottle down.”

You know that some bad hoomins like to call fluffies shitrats.

But you can’t help but agree with them on this:

“Umbwa weawwy wuz a shitwat.”

Mistah Cal’s smile became a grin.

“Well put, Lavender. If he comes back a third time, I’m gonna beat him with a sorry stick.”

“Mawwey wiww howd Umbwa down fow daddeh.”

“Su wiww Mawwey. Dat shit aww happund in Mawwey an Kwin timewine tuu.”

“You’re so generous, Mars.”

It’s gonna be weird, having two Marleys around.

If the other one didn’t have that pretty glowing round thing over his head, it would be impossible to tell them apart.

Later, once the sun came up, mistah Cal and Marley wandered off.

“Come on, Mar. I need a stiff drink and a spliff right now. Igor’s probably open.”

“Make Mawwey a dubbuw. Dewe am nu wast caww at da Inn Bee-tween Wowwds.”

A while later, they came back.

With your old daddeh and his special friend Amy. You know they stopped being special friends in this timeline, so you didn’t need to ask where they came from.

But your old daddeh and Amy didn’t look very happy.

“Hey, Chris! What’s wrong, bro?”

Your old daddeh looked at your new daddeh.

“Our families are dead, Les. A demon that looks like Cal showed up and killed them. Even Little Cal. He got my Klaus, too, on the way to the farm.”

Uncle Klaus looked confused, but he quickly figured it out.

“Oh, you’re the Nice Chris Les and Lav mentioned. I’m guessing your version of me never ran away. Hold on, did Umbra have a Number Two in your timeline?”

Your old daddeh nodded.

“Who was it, if it wasn’t me?”

“Some American Psycho wannabe asshole. Christian something.”

Mistah Cal grinned again.

“Ha! I know who you’re talking about. In our timeline, he was stabbed by a hobo. Our thin friends told me he was reincarnated as a fluffy, but he wasted his second chance. So he’s Down There now, spending time in the brand new tenth circle of Hell. They built an entire circle of Hell just for fluffy abusers, can you believe that?”

“Daddeh, yu am guin awf-topik.”

“You’re right, Mar. Here’s the skinny, Les: these two don’t have a home anymore. You still have that spare room, right?”

Your daddeh started grinning too.

“You’ve seen how big my house is, Cal. But are you seriously telling me that I get both of my dead brothers back on the same day, Cal?”

“I guess I am, Les.”

Your daddeh hugged mistah Caw, and then he hugged his bwuddahs.

“The Oldman Brothers are together again!”

It’s been a week since then.

Back to the same old life on the fawm, training with Magnum, Famke and Chakra.

Of course, there’s been some changes.

Your old daddeh moved back onto the fawm with Amy. Not the one who can become really small, that Amy has short black not-fluff.

“Lav, it’s good to have you back.”

“Am gud tu haf owd daddeh back tuu. Wavendew went foweba sweepies in owd daddeh timewine tuu, wite?”

“Yeah. But your last act was to save me. I’ll never forget that.”

Dis Wavendew wud du it tuu, if Wavendew had tu.”

“I hope it doesn’t come to that again, I really do.”

And your uncle Klaus has moved in too.

“If that demonic Calvin comes here, he’s in for a big surprise: five pissed off nephilim. I can have the others come here in a flash.”

“Dat dee-mun Caw nu can gib dis un-cuw Kwaus foweba sweepies.”

“Exactly. I’m already dead, I can’t die again.

Daisy and Elm have had their foals, and they chose little Helios to stay, a colt with yellow fluff, mane, and tail, and blue-green see-places, and wingies.

Mary-Jane and Helios are already good friends.

The others have all gone off to good loving homes in the sitty. Your daddeh said that this is a “pretty pro-hugbox state”, whatever that means, so finding hoomins who love fluffies isn’t hard.

Of course, that means it’s Rose and Rowan’s turn to have babies.

They waited until the last hoomin took the last babbeh home, and started doing special huggies the moment the door closed.


“Enf! Enf! Enf! Enf! Enf!”

Looks like Elm’s record has been beaten.

So, there’s that to look forward to.

Plus, there’s that other thing.

Joining the ChaotiX.

You’re not ready yet. You’re still in twaining.

But you’ve told mistah Cal that you want to join as soon as that’s over.

“Are you sure? You said you wanted to wait until Rose and Rowan’s foals were out the door.”

“Wavendew wan du it fow dem. An fow Oak, Dai-see, Ewm, Mawy-Jane an Hewios. Fow daddeh an mummah, fow Keef, fow un-cuw Jim, un-cuw Kwaus, an fow owd daddeh an awn-tee Amee. Fow da fawm.

“You still haven’t forgotten what’s important, Lav. So I’ll be happy to welcome you into the team. We’ll start you off with some easy assignments, I don’t wanna throw you into the deep end.”

“Wavendew jus spent a dawk time smoosh-in up wobots. An den dewe wuz dat big scawy munstah…”

“I see your point. I kinda jumped in the deep end myself, when I started.”

“Wavendew knu. Wavendew saw mistah Caw jump awf da Towah.”

“Huh. I didn’t really notice you in the Plaza, Lav.”

“Mistah Caw had udda fings awn mistah Caw mine.”

“That’s true.”

Right now, you, your daddeh, your old daddeh, and your uncle Klaus are at the gwave-yawd where your other old daddeh was buried.

“I gotta say, it’s kinda freaky, looking at my own grave.”

“We can leave if it’s too much, bro.”

“Nah. I’ll get over it. Thanks for keeping all of this asshole’s stuff, Les.”

“Hey, technically, it’s your stuff. We were hoping our you would come to his senses, but…”

“But den da twuck happund.”

“Yikes. Guess me and Amy both suffered a gruesome death in this timeline.”

Your uncle Klaus smiles.

“Her family’s happy to have her back as well.”

“Oh yeah, she’s catching up with them right now. But it must be freaky for you too, Les.”

“It is, Chris. I had made my peace with both of your deaths, and… I had accepted that I was going to be an only child for the rest of my life. I’m thrilled to have you both back, but…”

“It’s going to take some time to get used to it. I know. From my point of view, you were all torn to shreds by a demon a few weeks ago. So I’m not used to seeing all of you alive either. Except you, Klaus. You’re still not exactly alive.

Uncle Klaus hugs them both.

“We’ll get through this together, boys. I’m still not used to having free will again. It makes me sick, thinking about all the things Umbra made me do. You know he made me murder Reggae and Mortis?”

“Well, obviously. Umbra didn’t have hands back then, he couldn’t hold that staff.”

“They don’t hold it against me, though. Neither does the voodoo lady who I killed for the staff, or anyone else Up There who I killed on Umbra’s orders. They all know I wasn’t in control.”

“Speaking of Up There, how often do you have to go back?”

“Depends on how much I use my powers, Chris. If I run dry, I’m basically a normo until I can go back and recharge. Going back is all I can do on an empty tank.”

“Huh. Do demons have to deal with that?”

“Nope. Sucks, don’t it? I mean, Dave, Slayer and Robert are alright. But we’ve still got the advantage over the ones who aren’t alright, because they can die, and we can’t. And there’s the Pacts, of course, that define what angels and demons can and can’t do in the mortal world. They don’t apply to us nephilim, because we’re technically not angels. That was actually deliberate on the Boss’ part. The fiery assholes Down There aren’t the only ones who can find loopholes. But my point is that there’s usually rules keeping both sides in check.”

“Wike nu come-in tu Uwf if dey nu am sum-und.”

“Right! But how did you know that, Lav?”

Your daddeh kneels down and strokes you, and you coo.

“Cal told us about that after our Chris and James broke out of Hell and wreaked havoc in those clone bodies. And Des told him.

“Dey diddin teww Wavendew untiw awf-tew da Awien In-vay-shun.”

“Wait, your me and James did what?!? Jesus, how deep does the rabbit hole go, Les?!? Let me guess, they cloned Cal.”

“And Miles, too.”

“Christ. Like there aren’t enough evil Cals out there. Les, lemme tell you, I like the guy. Hell, I named my son after…”

Your old daddeh starts crying.

Then he looks really angry.

“I’m gonna find that demon Cal. And when I do, me and Amy are gonna kill him together. We will have vengeance.

“Les, I think our Cal will be all too happy to help you with that. He hates crimes being committed with his face. That clone body thing really pissed him off, he put a hole through our Chris for that.”

Your old daddeh spits on your old daddeh’s grave.


“There’s enough evil mes, too.”

Meanwhile, Down There, as the Chris and James of this timeline are being escorted by several elite demons to the new tenth circle of Hell, they catch a glimpse of a viewing pool, showing the Oldman Brothers standing before Chris’ grave.

"Oh, come on! They just REPLACED me?!?"

"Don’t tell me you MISS those fleshbags, Chris. I only miss my mom, and that’s just because I didn’t get a chance to put that ginger’s huge cock in her. Fuck that little cunt. How the hell did he electrocute me? I didn’t get a chance to fuck HIS mom either."

One of the elites stabs James in the balls with a pitchfork, and James yelps in pain.

"Stop blabbering on about your MILF fetish already! You’re just as bad as Hitler going on about the Jews! Don’t make us put you back in the Rape Chamber with him! We’ll put a pineapple up YOUR ass too! Seriously, I’m a demon with no standards and even I think you’re too horny."

"HAAAAA! Horny! It’s funny because we’re demons! Nice one, sir!"