"Lavender: Red Skies" by NobodyAtAll

You are Lavender, and last week, something really strange happened.


It was an ordinary bwite time, you were playing huggy tag with Daisy and Rose, and then everything suddenly got really dawk.

Your daddeh looked up, and then he said some bad wordsies.

“HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT!!! THEY’RE FUCKING HUGE!!!”

So did your mummah.

“FUCKING HELL, THERE’S SO MANY OF THEM!!!”

And your uncle Jim.

“WHERE THE FUCK IS WILL SMITH WHEN YOU NEED HIM???”

Who’s Will Smith?

You and your friends looked up to see what was happening.

Fluffies don’t like swearing, but if they did, you would have been doing it too.

Daisy made a big stream of scaredy poopies when she saw it.

Some of it got in Rose’s mouth. She didn’t notice until later. She was making scaredie peepees.

What you were looking at, was a bunch of metal flying things.

And your daddeh was right. They were fluffing huge. They were covering the sky. They were blocking out the sky ball.

Then you heard a mean voice coming from the biggest one. Everyone heard it. It was talking to mistah Caw, but he wasn’t on the fawm. You didn’t know where he was.

The voice said that it wanted to play a game with mistah Caw.

It wasn’t a fun game.

If mistah Caw lost, everyone would go forever sleepies.

When the voice said that, Daisy made more scaredy poopies.

Sometimes, even you wonder how so many poopies can fit inside one fluffy.

Then lots of munstahs came out of the flying things.

This time, all three of you made scaredy poopies. Judging by the smell coming from uncle Jim, so did he.

But then they all flew in one direction. You had a vague idea that the sitty you used to live in was that way.

That was probably where mistah Caw was.


The flying things had big teebees on them, and they turned on, and you could all see everything that was happening in the sitty.

All the munstahs were trying to give mistah Caw forever sleepies, and mistah Caw’s friends were all trying to stop them.

It was crazy.

Eventually, mistah Caw tried to fly up to the biggest flying thing, but then a big munstah with a fluffy head jumped out of it and smooshed mistah Caw into the ground.

The munstah was Umbra, the bad fluffy who made all the dee-muns appear last year.

But, but he had gone forever sleepies…

Was he a dee-mun like your old daddeh and James now?

The Umbra munstah grabbed mistah Caw and they disappeared. Umbra just snapped his fingers like the dok-tow does.

A short while later, they burst out of the biggest flying thing. Umbra smooshed him into the ground.

This part was actually pretty fun to watch.

Mistah Caw was covered in white burnies, and Umbra was covered in purple burnies, and they were giving each other big owwies, and everyone else was shooting lots of pretty lights and burnies at Umbra.

Some of them were hitting mistah Caw too, but he didn’t seem to care.

Then Umbra smooshed mistah Caw into the ground again, flew up into the sky, and made a big red glowy ball. The sky turned red too.

You didn’t need the teebees to see that. You could all see glowy ball from the fawm.

Uncle Jim started screaming.

Mistaw Caw flew up too. He pushed the ball into Umbra.

Then mistah Caw pushed the ball and Umbra into the biggest flying thing and it went BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

You started crying. You like mistah Caw. He’s nice, even though he smells funny. You didn’t want him to go forever sleepies.

You didn’t even want your old daddeh and James to go forever sleepies, even though they were both munstahs.

But mistah Caw turned out to be okay, and then all the other flying things went away. You don’t know where.

So everything turned out alright in the end.


But that was last week.

This week, something really good happened.

Today, the three of you got special friends!

Your daddeh had promised it a while ago, but he’d been busy with other things, like Keith.

Who wasn’t paying attention at all during the flying things red sky thing.

Hoomin babbehs.

Your special friend is Oak.

He’s red and blue, and he’s got green see-places. He’s got a hornie.

He’s clever!

Daisy’s special friend is Elm.

He’s yellow and grey, with pretty blue see-places. He’s got wingies.

He likes to explore the farm.

And then there’s Rowan.

He’s light blue, and pale pink. He’s got yellow see-places. He doesn’t have a hornie or wingies.

You think if he was in a herd, he’d be the bestest toughy.


Before your daddeh brought your special friends home, though, he sat down with the three of you.

He said that each of you could have babbehs once. At least, for now. And that each of you would have to pick one babbeh, and those three babbehs stay with you all on the farm. He said that you couldn’t have babbehs all at the same time. That you’d have to take turns.

You started crying, because you didn’t know what would happen to the rest of the babbehs.

Daddeh explained that they would all go to good homes. That he wouldn’t let any of then go to bad hoomins.

He showed you all a special no-babbeh nummie, and explained that you’d all have to start numming them after you’d had your babbehs.

Once you’d stopped crying, it made sense.

After all, you’ve only got six milkie places between the three of you! You’ve counted them!

If you just kept having babbehs, you wouldn’t be able to give all of them milkies! Even if you were numming nummies to make milkies non-stop!

You’d rather have a few babbehs who are all happy because they’ve got lots of milkies, then lots of babbehs who are all saddies because they’ve got no milkies.

There’s got to be an easier way to say that.


Since you’ve been living here the longest, you and Oak are going first. Everyone else, hoomin or fluffy, has left you two alone in the saferoom so you can have some space.

You’re happy about this, because you’ve never done special huggies before. You don’t want them to laugh at you if you do it wrong.

Oak looks like he’s nervous too.

But fluffies don’t tend to waste time on courting.

It doesn’t take a lot of time before he’s behind you, enfing away.

“Enf! Enf! Enf! Enf! Enf!”

He’s being gentle.

It actually feels kinda good!

Gud feews!

Oh boy!

You know what that means!

You’re gonna be a mummah!

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