"Hot and Heavy" by NobodyAtAll

Me, Marley, Judy and Snowball follow Eira around the mountain, to Laruba Village.

I turn to Eira.

“You know, we can fly. Well, Snowball can’t, but us other three can.”

“Really? Eira need tame flybeast to fly.”

Marley looks up at Eira.

“Wut am fwybeest?”

Eira points up at a pterodactyl flying overhead.

Well, that makes sense, people here probably wouldn’t know all of our names for dinosaurs.

They probably couldn’t pronounce them, either.

“Am beast. Can fly. Am flybeast.”

“Oh. Dat make sens.”

“But my point is, we could probably just fly there, Eira. We don’t exactly have the time for a nice walk through the jungle.”

Eira thinks, and nods.

“You make good point.”

Eira sticks two fingers in her mouth and whistles up at the pterodactyl.


Meanwhile, several miles up, Bhel struggles to maintain control over his pterodactyl, who suddenly started flying towards the ground.

“What is this stupid beast doing?!?”

He manages to steer the pterodactyl back up, and keeps moving.

“Nice try! When I land, I’m eating this fucking flybeast.”


“Huh. That usually work.”

“Maybe someone’s already using that one, Eira.”

“Maybe, Judy.”

I chuckle.

“How about I just carry you there, Eira?”

Eira shrugs.

“Alright.”

So Eira grabs onto me from behind, Judy picks up Snowball, and we fly the rest of the way there.

Once we get around the mountain, we see smoke rising from Laruba Village.


We quickly land in the smouldering ruins of Laruba Village.

Only a few of the inhabitants, who inexplicably have purple hair, seem to still be alive.

Eira approaches one Laruban woman.

“Luka! What happen here?”

The woman looks extremely sad.

“What Eira think happen? Dinotites happen. They burn village, take many Larubans, kill others. They kill Chief Taban too, when he try to fight.”

“Where they take?”

“Luka no know. But Eira was right. Laruba no can hide forever.”

Eira pats Luka on the back.

“You take survivors. Come to Ioka Village. There plenty of room.”

“But then what? Ioka, Laruba, not enough to stand against dinotites. Even if all tribe join forces, still not enough.”

Eira beams and gestures at me.

“Maybe Calvin Korkea am enough?”

All of the surviving Larubans turn to me, and Luka speaks up.

“You am Calvin Korkea? Luka thought you am just story Teach tell.”

“See, that what Eira said, but yes, Cal am real.”

Eira turns back to Luka.

“Cal and friends am here because of dinotites too. Dinotites steal cross-world rock from other world.”

The Larubans gasp.

“Dinotites have rock?!? That am very bad!”

Eira nods again, this time solemnly.

“Yes. But with Ioka, Laruba, and Cal friends, dinotites no stand chance!”

“Do you know where the dinotites are, Eira?”

Eira points north.

“Dinotites have big big village, far that way.”

I take out the rock radar.

“What am that?”

“This is something a friend of mine made, that can be used to find the rocks.”

I power it on and take a look.

“The other one’s stopped moving. You think the bastard’s already there?”


Far to the north, in the dinotite’s city, Nhiz stops to look around, a big smile on his face.

“It’s good to be back.”

If dinotites had lips, Nhiz would be on his knees, kissing the street.


“Probably. Then we must move fast, Cal. You fly back. Eira walk back with Larubans.”

“Got it, Eira.”

So Judy picks up Snowball again, and we fly off.

As we take off, we hear the Larubans gasp in awe.


Meanwhile, back at Ioka Village, Victor and his cavewoman hookup walk out of the tent, getting dressed.

“And now I can add a cavewoman to my long list of conquests.”

“Was good. Loana want do again.”

“Baby, I could go all day and night, but we don’t have time for another round right now.”

“Vic am right. Kill dinotites first, then make more baby later.”

Loana walks over to a few other Iokan women, eagerly telling them about Victor’s talents in the bedroom.

They all start looking at Victor with expressions of curiousity and arousal.

Scarface walks over and grins at Victor.

“In nine munfs, dewe am pwob-ab-wee gunna be a buncha hoomin babbehs hewe dat wook wike Victow.”

“Ha! I like it here, Scarface. It’s like an entire village of Junes.”

“Yu am a cad, Victow. An June nu am much bettew.”

“True. But hey, that’s why we get along so well. We’ve both got healthy libidos, no shame, and a dirty sense of humor.”

“Victow sens of huu-mow am mowe dawk den diwty.”

“That’s also true.”

Scarface waddles over to Slayer.


Andre chats to Teach and Keeno, telling them stories about Andre’s exploits with the ChaotiX.

“…and then I hand the asshole a box of ashtrays, and I’m like HERE! NOW YOU AIN’T GOT AN EXCUSE, NIGGA!

Keeno laughs.

“Keeno no know what ashtray am, but am still funny story!”

Teach sighs.

“I hope the fluffy pulled through.”

“Oh yeah, Erwin just put him in a regen vat, when Ash was done in there it was like the lil’ nigga had never even been near a pack of smokes. Did you have any fluffies back home, Teach?”

“Sadly, no. I lived by myself, in a small flat. Back home, I… I didn’t really have anyone.”

“Damn, that’s wack. But you got people here, though.”

“That’s true. I really think I could spend the rest of my life here. Back home, I was just another professor, and nobody paid attention to me, but here, I’m a wise man, and people look up to me.”

“You know that one woman’s been makin’ bedroom eyes at you the whole time, right?”

“Really? Women back home never paid attention to me, either.”

“Go for it, man! It can’t be that hard to get your-- oh come on, Vic! Really?”

Victor and Loana are running back into the latter’s tent.

“Nigga better not spend the whole time fuckin’, we didn’t bring him with us so’s he could do that.

“So Andre no want make baby?”

Andre turns around, seeing another Iokan woman making bedroom eyes at him.

Andre fails to resist, and follows her into her tent.

“Fuck it, why not?”


Scarface and Slayer chat to some of the Iokan fluffies, and the mares seem just as interested in Scarface as their human compatriots are interested in Victor.

Slayer turns down their invitation, because he has a special friend back home.

Scarface does take up their invitation, but before he does, he turns to Slayer.

“Scawface am gunna nee Swayew tu du Scawface a sowid.”

“Wut Scawface nee?”

Neba teww Victow abowt dis, ow Victow am neba gunna wet Scawface heaw da end of it.”

Slayer grins.

“Yu gut it, Scawface.”

Scarface wanders off with three of the Iokan mares.

Who happen to be sisters.

He’s a lucky bastard, isn’t he?


Dave, Seth, Lou, Tony and Yoshi watch some of the Iokan men carry in the fruit of today’s hunt.

Dave raises an eyebrow.

“So they’ve got woolly mammoths here too? You’d think it’s too warm here for them.”

Seth laughs, as the men start skinning the mammoth’s carcass.

“Yeah, but the heat ain’t gonna be a problem for that one in a bit.”

Lou chimes in.

“I gotta admit, I’m curious about what they taste like.”

Tony laughs.

“Probably like elephant, I’d reckon.”

“Ah, how would you know that, bro? You’ve never had elephant.”

“And how would you know that? I could have had elephant while you were hauling manure all over the country.”

“But did you, bro?”

“…No…”

Dave turns to the Hoskins brothers.

“Vic’s had elephant before. We’ve got a game going at the School. You put a dollar in a jar, and if you can name an animal that Vic hasn’t eaten at least once, you get the entire contents of the jar.”

Seth nods.

“We’ve got a meme jar, too. Every time one of us quotes a meme, we gotta put a dollar in that jar.”

Tony grins.

“How many dollars are in that jar, guys?”

Dave and Seth fail to resist too, and reply as one.

“Over nine thousand.”

Victor pauses from Round Two with Loana and pokes his head out of her tent, glaring at Dave and Seth. He’s got excellent hearing.

“Jar.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“We’ll do it when we get back.”

As Victor returns to his, ahem, activities with Loana, Dave and Seth grin at each other.

“Worth it.”

“Totally.”


Me, Judy, Marley and Snowball return to Ioka Village, and Teach turns to us, noticing the grim expressions on our faces.

“Cal! Where’s–”

“She’s on her way with the remaining Larubans. All the others are either dead or captured. The dinotites burned down their village.”

Teach gasps in horror.

“We need to–”

“Go save any Larubans we can. I know. We’re already planning on taking the fight to the dinotites. Eira told us they have a city. Well, she called it a big big village, but I’m guessing it’s a city. Odds are, that’s where the asshole with the rock is headed. As soon as Eira and the Larubans are back, we’ll start planning our attack.”

“This is horrible… an entire village burned to the ground…”

I let out a sad sigh.

“Those scaly cunts are never going to stop, Teach. Not unless we make them stop.”

And there’s only ONE way to make them stop, Cal: KILL THEM ALL.

Shut up, you. I told you, I call the shots in this body. I’ll call you when I want you.

Fine, have it your way. Don’t come crying to ME when they eat baby Quin.

“I am not going to let that happen.”

“What?”

“Nothing, Teach. Just talking to myself.”

“You know, they say that’s the first sign of insanity.”

“Eh, I’ve got it under control.”


Soon, Eira walks into the village, the dozen or so surviving Larubans following her.

“Now tribe have even more friends!”

Eira walks over to a large, flat rock near the center of the village, and stands on it, cupping her hands around her mouth.

“IOKANS!!! LISTEN EIRA!!!”

Everyone stops what they’re doing and gathers around Eira.

Two of the women quickly dress themselves as they exit their tents.

Andre and Victor exit those tents too, also undressed.

Damn it, guys! They just couldn’t keep it in their pants, could they? We didn’t come here to do that.

I call to them.

“ANDRE!!! VIC!!! GO PUT YOUR NANO SUITS BACK ON BEFORE I KICK YOUR NAKED ASSES!!!”

The two of them return to the tents to retrieve their nano suits.

But judging by the looks on those two women’s faces, they seem to have enjoyed it.

Eira speaks up.

“Today, Iokans make many new friends! Cal friends, and Laruba friends! But today am also bad day! Dinotites steal cross-world rock, kill many Larubans, take many other Larubans! Very bad! No can let dinotites get away with it!”

Eira smiles.

“So we going fight back! It am now or never! If dinotites want war, they get war! They lose war! Dinotites may have rock, but Iokans have Cal! Cal am strongest one there is! You all hear Cal stories from Teach, and they am all true!

Eira indicates that she wants me to stand on the flat rock too, so I do so.

“Eira is right. My name is Calvin Korkea, and I am the strongest man alive.”

I gesture at Marley.

“And you see that fluffy? His name is Marley, and he’s the strongest fluffy alive. Both of us possess a power that could very well be infinite. That means without limit. We’re what are called Omega Class X-Positives, and that means we don’t do limits.”

I give the crowd one of my trademark audacious smirks.

“Me and my friends have faced all kinds of powerful beings back home. Beings who surpassed us. And we fucking won every fight. So if the dinotites want to take a swing at us, I’ve got just one thing to say to those scaly assholes.”

I chuckle.

“Come and have a go, if you think you’re hard enough.”


Nhiz approaches the gates of the tall, dark palace at the heart of his home city.

The guards, a pair of armored dinotites wielding spears, block the open doors with said spears.

“Nhiz. You’d better have the rock.”

“The Emperor won’t be happy with you if you came back emptyclawed.”

Nhiz opens the pouch he carried all the way from Modern Earth and retrieves the asteroid fragment.

Both guards’ jaws drop.

“You actually fucking did it. Well done, Nhiz.”

The other guard notices a shape up in the sky.

“Is that one of those monkeys? They like riding flybeasts. Ha. If monkeys were meant to fly, they’d have wings.”

Nhiz shrugs.

“The monkeys on the other side didn’t seem to get the hint either. They’ve got these flying contraptions. I saw a couple of them, up in the sky.”

Both guards seem impressed, and the first one speaks up.

“Really? Well, once we eat all of the monkeys, we can take those things for ourselves.”

“They’ve got wheeled contraptions too. They’re a lot faster than running. But for some reason, those wheeled things stop working after a while.”

“Ha! Typical monkeys. They can’t do anything right. It’s a miracle those things work at all, Nhiz. Our monkeys don’t have any of the technology we have, they’re just too stupid.”

“Yet more proof that we’re the superior species, gentlemen.”

“Damn right, Nhiz. I like you, you tell it like it is. Our shift is almost over, so after you deliver the rock, we’ll go out for drinks together, pick up a monkey skull to go. I heard one of the hunting teams is bringing back a whole bunch of monkeys.”

“Those monkeys are good eating. I had a nice fat one in the other world.”

The second guard laughs.

“Yeah, ours are all tough and chewy. They’re tasty, though.”

“Oh, you guys should have seen it, there’s a lot of fat monkeys in the other world. Some of them are so fat they can’t even walk, they use these smaller wheeled contraptions instead. We’ll have to watch our weight once we take over.”

All three dinotites laugh.

As the shape up in the sky gets closer, the three dinotites see that the pterodactyl’s rider is not human.

“Ah, looks like my brother’s almost home. You don’t think the Emperor will mind if we wait for Bhel to land, do you?”

The guards both shrug.

“Why not? The Emperor has been waiting for so long, he can wait a few more minutes.”

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