HASBIO “PROJECT FLUFFY” REPORT #3679
It’s recently come to my attention that the workers on the floor have been making complaints of the Gen 1 prototype having severe anxiety reactions to mundane stimuli including, but not limited to loud noises, shadows, and prolonged social isolation. The issues present are unsuitable for a children’s toy for… obvious reasons so approval was granted to take 100 prototypes off the floor for assessment.
Fluffies were initially released into a pen with all amenities previously found to promote comfort (namely soft padding on the floors/bedding, bright and vibrant colors, toys, soft ambient lighting, 25 feeding and water stations as well as self cleaning litter boxes equally spaced through the pen). Results were as expected with all subjects playing, hugging, and generally exhibit healthy herd behavior. Subjects were chosen at random to be released into the testing chambers then factory rest and returned to their holding cages. Testing would consist of 5 stages (one for each sense) where psychological, physical, and hormonal responses would be recorded.
Reactions will hereby be represented in three categories: Flight (marked by severe feelings of dread, impending doom, anxiety, and attempting to escape the testing chamber), Hide (signs of submission, fear, and attempting to hide from the stimuli either by covering their eyes or facing a wall or corner), and Fight (most unexpected of the three. Subject attempts to make themself bigger by puffing out cheeks, displaying signs of aggression such as stomping hooves assuming a low “pouncing” stance, and growling.)
TEST 1: VISUAL
Chamber consists of a 3x3 meter room with no decoration and lights triggered to dim at 5 minute intervals until totally dark. All subjects were notably uncomfortable with the room on entry. At conclusion of testing 65% of subjects exhibited the Flight reaction, 25% exhibited Hide and 10% exhibited Fight.
Notable subjects include:
B-35: a grey earthy stallion, who at approximately 10 minutes, exclaimed “NU WIKE DAWK!” and “DAWK AM BAD FOW FWUFFY!” before waddling towards the door while sobbing. Subject attempted to exit the chamber by hitting the door with his front hooves until they were bleeding and eventually collapsing from exhaustion at the 45 minute mark. Subject was placed into a decompression room to calm down before the next phase of testing
C-2: a green earthy mare who lasted 20 minutes before noticing the room was getting darker, nervously laughing and stating “s-siwwy woomsie. Mista nu say it time fow sweepy.” Subject continued to pace nervously around the room for 20 more minutes before curling in a ball holding her tail and involuntary urinating. Subject was removed after 1 hour where they were found shaking, covered in her own urine and feces, and repeating “nuwandawkamtuscawy.”
A-32: a red unicorn who noticed the light dimming in the first 5 minutes. Subject responded by stating “hmpf stoopi woom, smawty nu wan gu nigh nigh.” Subject became more agitated as the room continued to dim displaying behavior not recorded before including stomping the ground, blowing raspberries, and what can only be described as fluffy swearing at the invisible threat. Subject was removed after 45 minutes due to (relatively) intense verbal outbursts causing the subject to lose their voice. During extraction a research assistant was bitten by the subject which resulted in corrective action with the approved Sorr-O-Matic ™ sorry stick.
Casualties: three genetic defects, commonly known as “derps” attempted to make it to 1 1/2 hours standing perfectly still in near total darkness before letting out a loud “ SCREEEEEEEEE” and charging head first at the door, walls, and corners to escape resulting in all 3 expiring from massive head trauma. Product damage was noted and normal functioning subjects were sent to replace them
Conclusion: Current product run is highly susceptible to light levels and anything less than a night light will result in almost any fluffy suffering psychological trauma. Memo has been sent to appropriate Night Shift supervisors in hopes of retaining product until further neurological engineering can be performed.
Test 2: Auditory
The chamber used in Test 1 has been fitted with high definition speakers which emit a sub bass frequency which will gradually increase volume over the span of 30 minutes. Higher ups informed my team that our testing didn’t push the limits enough on the last test so from here on out testing will only be stopped if the product is in immediate risk of being damaged, apparently they’re really wanting to see how well the factory reset works and some “wan die” loops as we’ve called it should sate their appetite… or ruin their pocketbooks. Personal aside out of the way, only 15% subjects exhibited the Flight response, 85% exhibited Hide, and not a single subject attempted to fight the sonic bombardment after any substantial amount of time.
Notable subjects include:
P-53: blue pegasus stallion, almost immediately began to complain about “nu feew gud noisies” and began hugging his abdomen claiming “wy huwt gud fwuffy… huggies hewp tummy owwies!” Halfway through the allotted testing time subject released a… torrent of liquid feces, confirming the apparent existence of a fluffy brown note. This continued for the rest of testing with the subject being reduced to infantile peeps and chirps. Frequency was noted for product warning labels. Subject was extracted, given IV fluids for dehydration, and room was thoroughly cleaned. (Admin Note, those boys need a raise)
D-01: pink unicorn mare, similar to previously noted subject, complained of abdominal pain and went into considerable emotional distress. Approximately 15 minutes into testing subject was seen laying facedown on the floor hiding their head under their legs mumbling. Audio was pulled and processed revealing she was saying “pwease nu mowe woud noisies… nu am gud fow tummeh babbehs… huuuuu.” Upon conclusion of the test subject went into premature labor resulting in delivery of all still borns as well as significant emotional damage for the dame. Attempt was made to reset however overwatch denied and she was cycled back into the testing pool.
Conclusion: current product run is extremely unsuited for high volume environments. Guess the idea of a Rainbow Rave line will have to wait until that’s worked out. Also remind me to reprimand the assistants that were supposed to watch the pen and send an inquiry to QA, I thought these things were supposed to be sterile.
Casualties: 6 unborn foals and 78 fluffies treated for dehydration and damage to the ears, subjects were able to be returned to testing
**Tests 3: Smell **
Following the events of the last round of testing I figured I’d take it easy on them today. For the smell portion product was taken one at a time to the room above the septic pit for the floor and left for 30 minutes. Aside from the incessant complaints of “nu smeww pwetty” and “dat smeww wike poopies” no new ground was broken and no stress reactions other than disgust were noted… plus I have to write this in a biohazard suit due to the amount putrid air in the lower labs and my office… lovely. Again, the guys in sanitation really go above and beyond, I don’t envy them at all.
Conclusion: Current product line, while frail, handles ungodly smells surprisingly well.
Casualties: Aside from some vomiting and my whole lab for the day, no casualties or injuries
Test 4: Taste
Test chamber from the first two tests has been fitted with a single food bowl filled with spaghetti and meatballs from Fat Tony’s Pizzeria laced with a specially designed capsaicin extract as to not cause excessive damage to the subjects digestive tract. At the end of testing 29% exhibited Flight response, 5% exhibited Hide, and 66% exhibited Fight.
H-35: an olive green earthy filly, initially anxious to enter the testing chamber however became excited at the sight of the bowl of “sketties” and began prancing around the bowl. Subject finished the bowl, licking it clean before the capsaicin took effect. With a loud “SCREEEEEE” subject began flailing on the ground begging for “…WAWA FOW BUWNY HUWTIES!” Subject switched almost instantly from pain to anger and began pummeling the empty food bowl before attempting to give it “wowstest sowwy poopies” before starting the whole process over but from the other end.
C-9: a purple unicorn stallion, marched triumphantly to the bowl claiming “bestes sketties fow bestes smawty!” When the subject reached the bowl he smelled it, and immediately realized something was up. Subject snorted at the “buwny smewwy sketties” and proceeded to attempt to intimidate the spaghetti for 20 minutes before attempting to feed. While this did work to a certain extent, allowing the extract to sink to the bottom of the bowl, once the subject finished 3/4 of the bowl and immediately kicked it over screaming “NU WAN HUWTY SKETTIES NU MOWE” and stomping off.
D-01: a pitiful looking D-01 entered the chamber without the sense of enthusiasm of the other subjects. She just simply went up to the bowl, had 2 bites only flinching slightly before sticking her head in the bowl in an attempt to asphyxiate herself. Subject was removed with no complication other than the whimpering of “wan die…”
Conclusion: Though spaghetti remains a tried and true way of getting any fluffy to eat, most either seemed to view it as some kind of farce (which I mean, fair) or a betrayal. While I’m not entirely sure spaghetti should’ve been used over kibble it shows if you betray that one thing it unlocks a surprisingly violent streak in these things. Additionally these so called Smarties are kinda unnerving me. As far as I’m away this is entirely new behavior yet they act more like an actual animal than I’m used to these things acting. Might be something to look into.
Casualties: Authorization was given for a factory reset on D-01. 110v shock was administered to the base of skull with no result, this was repeated 5 more times before euthanasia was permitted. She almost seemed thankful when the toxin took hold. Gotta give the founders credit, they sure know how to make these things expressive.
Test 5: Touch
We’re finding down on this test and I’ve got to say the engineers really out did themselves for this one. Same chamber as the other tests but this time we’ve mounted a motion activated dart gun to the ceiling loaded with hypodermic needles. Not enough to cause any real damage to the product, but enough that it’ll definitely sting. Also to add a personal touch to the whole thing I’ve went through and added obstacles to hide, climb, and evade up down and over. Test will end after 15 minutes. Final testing concluded in 15% exhibiting signs of Flight, 73% exhibited Hide, and 12% exhibited fight.
A-74: a yellow pegasus filly, upon seeing the chamber was enraptured by the blocks set up and attempted to climb the highest pillar she could find. At that point the gun sprung to life and hit her in the right flank. Surprised and confused she started climbing down when another needle landed a hit to the rump causing her to tumble the rest of the way down. She immediately scrambled for cover (ie, standing with her head in a corner) and took another to the barely hardened hoof to which she began sobbing while being pelted for the duration of testing.
E-04: a light blue earthy colt, entered the room and, like the prior subject, was too immersed in the “bigges bwockies” to notice the laser taking sight. He got lucky and ran behind on of the blocks and narrowly missing being hit. He danced around the block for a short period of time when he spotted the “pwetty wed wite” scanning the room and waddled over to it which caused the gun to snap onto its target. The subject reached his arms out in a huggies pose and got nailed directly on the chest which, while confusing and definitely hurting him, didn’t cause him to falter in “gib pwetty wite huggies an wuv.” After three failed attempts he ran behind one of the blocks and embraced it while crying seemingly more hurt by the rejection of the gun than the needles hanging off his pelt.
T-45: a surprisingly stocky red unicorn stallion , entered the chamber with the gun locking on. While initially mesmerized by the “pwetty wike smawty wite” a needle to the nose changed he’s attitude quickly. The subject ran behind one of the blocks for cover and apparently started doing something I had never seen one of these things do, he made a plan. After about 5 minutes of tapping his horn with his hoof saying “finkiessss… finkieeeess…” he spotted two blocks parallel to each other and pushed his cover behind them to create a U. After that he scanned the area and found another block fairly well covered and evaded the light and pushed it to the others then closed himself in. It would’ve been a brilliant idea if he would’ve realized they were coming from above, but instead he too got shot for the remainder of the test which resulted in him turning into a sobbing mess and asking “wy huwt gud smawty?!”
Conclusion: In a true physical altercation it seems more of these fluffies are apt to hide from or attempt to befriend the problem than attempt to run or fight, which in our case isn’t the worst outcome in the world. While profitable I’m not sure how well it would be received by everyone that’s been riding the hype train on these toys to have to get a new one every time their kid got too rough with it.
Casualties: Aside from 100 little pincushions crying and relieving themselves afterwards things went surprisingly well with only 2 casualties. One black earthy colt took a needle to the eye which punctured his skull resulting in internal bleeding that couldn’t be corrected in time and one brown filly that got hit in the neck and severing her carotid artery resulting in her bleeding out
While I personally think operations would continue to run smooth as is, there is room for improvement as far as making the products more comfortable until we can find out more of what makes these things tick and how to better train them as a consumer product. Appropriate memos have been sent to all supervisors and site managers and personal debriefs will be had with QA and Genetic Engineering. Also the finding of these “Smarties” fascinates me, their behavior shown on these tests shows while they may have have the mental capacity of a 6 year old, it’s better than most I’ve seen.
- Dr. Abigail Cassidy, PhD of Biology and Psychology