"Breather Episode: Lavender" by NobodyAtAll

You are Lavender, and you’re having a good time right now!

You, Daisy, Rose, your mummah and daddeh and uncle Jim, along with your hoomin bwuddah Keith, are all at a big baw-bee-kyoo pawty. Your nice dok-tow friend invited you all here, to a place called the Schoow. You’ve been here before, during your lessons with the doc-tow.

Your mummah and daddeh have these things now, called… what was it? Bloopers? You think that’s it. And these blooper things, they can be used to go other places really fast!

There’s a lot of nice hoomins here. And nice fluffies. And lots of people who aren’t hoomins, or fluffies, but they’re nice too.

Right now, you’re talking to a nice wobot. He’s like a hoomin, but made of metal. His name is Promo… Premu… You decided to just call him Pwommy, and he doesn’t seem to mind.

"Are you enjoying the barbecue, Lavender?"

You look up from your soss-age nummie. It’s really good! But bwack-cuwwant ice cweam is still your favorite.

“Yus, mistah Pwommy! Dis am gud nummie.”

You finish your soss-age, and decide to go get some more. You tell mistah Prommy that you’ll talk to him later.

“Anytime, Lavender. And I can detect you doing that. Please stop. Deston’s talked to you about this.”

“Sowwy, mistah Pwommy. Wavendew jus cyoo-we-uss, wut it am wike in wobot mine.”

"That’s alright. Remember, power must be used carefully. Like this."

He gently strokes your fluff, and you walk off.

He’s nice!

There’s lots of people here, so you take the long way. They all look really interesting.


You walk past a few owd hoomins. They look like mistahs, they’ve got long grey not-fluff on their faces, and not a lot of not-fluff on their heads.

But they dress a bit… well, like wadys.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

You ask them why they dress like that.

“This, dear fluffy, is a robe. Every wizard has a robe. Even though younger wizards prefer street clothes, I say, you can’t go wrong with a good robe.”

Oh, so they’re like the dok-tow!

“Am wizz-uwds fwends of mistah dok-tow?”

One of the younger wizz-uwds, with black not-fluff on his head and face, speaks up.

“Oh, you must be Lavender! I’m Stephen. You’re talking about Deston, aren’t you? I can see his face in your mind. Yes, he’s not the only wizard who can do that. I see you can, too, but Lav, you’ve gotta bolster your defences, otherwise anyone can get into your head.”

What are defences, and how do you bolster them?

“It means you’ve gotta try harder to keep people out of your head, Lav. See what I mean?”

You thank the wizz-uwd for his advice and move on.

They’re nice too!


You pass by a big tentie, and decided to look inside.

Wow that’s a lot of smokies.

In one corner, two owd wadies in black are sitting together, making more smokies, and one of them is drinking something that smells like apples, and she’s singing.

:musical_note:The hedgehog can never be buggered at all!:musical_note:

What does buggered mean?

A pink and orange fluffy walks over to you.

So do two other fluffies, one brown and one grey, who both look like they’ve had a lot of owwies.

“Hewwo. Am Swayew. Dis am Scawface, an dis am Gweebo.”

“Hewwo Swayer! Hewwo, Scawface! Hewwo, Gweebo! Am Wavendew!”

You greet the three of them, the best way you know how: hugs!

Greebo looks at you hopefully.

“Pwetty Wavendew hab speciaw fwend?”

You shake your head.

“Nu. But Wavendew daddeh am goin tu fine speciaw fwend fow Wavendew suun.”

Scarface looks at Greebo.

Nu gib speciaw huggies if Wavendew nu wan, Gweebo.”

Greebo shrugs as well as a fluffy can, then wanders over to the singing wady. Oh, she must be his mummah.

Breathing all these smokies gives you big tummeh owwies for some reason. You should do something about that.

You turn to Slayer and Scarface.

“Wavendew gun gu… gu mit sum gummies, uh, git sum nummies. Wavendew am su hungwy wite now.”

Slayer grins.

“Da hoomins caww dat da mun-chees. See yu awound, Wavendew.”

And so you leave the tent, and move on.

They were also nice!


You pass by the big pen where the hoomin babies are being looked after by a group of hoomins with big wingies.

You wanted to see how Keith is doing. He’s doing fine. The wingie hoomins seem to be good at looking after hoomin babbehs.

One of the wingie hoomins turns to you, while numming a flat meaty nummie.

“Nice hoomins hab wingies tuu! Wingies am su pwetty!”

You smile up at him, while fluttering your tiny wingies. He smiles back, after finishing the nummie.

“Thank you. You’re Lavender, aren’t you? No, I didn’t look into your head to find out, unlike those guys.”

He tilts his head towards the wizz-uwds.

“I’m Samuel. Just don’t call me Sam, okay?”

“Su how mistah Samm-yuww knu Wavendew namesie?”

“Well, besides the fact that it’s an easy guess, my people know who everyone is.”

“Hu am mistah Samm-yuww pee-puw?”

He gestures to the other wingie hoomins.

“We’re angels. We come from Up There.

“Am dat wike Down Dewe?

He chuckles.

“Ah, you’ve met those idiots too, haven’t you? I know the whole story. No, I like to think we’re a lot better than them. But Dave, Slayer and Robert are a lot nicer than most demons. I’m happy to work with those three.”

“Swayew am dee-mun??? Wike owd daddeh an James??? Wavendew jus meet Swayew, Swayew nu say!”

“Slayer, Dave and Robert are all half-demons. They’re got the power of demons, but the hearts and minds of humans. And a fluffy, of course.”

He kneels down and strokes you.

“See, that’s the difference between those three, and Chris and James. Dave, Slayer, and Robert are trying. All three of them want to prove that being demons doesn’t make them bad. And I admire them for that. I wish more demons were like them. We’ve been fighting for far too long, and too many innocents have suffered because of the demons.”

“Powah mus be yoost cawe-fuwwee.”

“My, where did you hear that?

You point a hoof at mistah Pwommy, who is now sitting at a table with a big brownish hoomin with no not-fluff on his head.

They’ve each got a not-weggie on the table, and they’re holding each other’s not-hoofsie, and they seem to be trying to push the other’s not-weggie down onto the table. Other hoomins and fluffies are cheering them both on.

"Come on, Dwayne! I know you can do better than that!"

Mistah Samm-yuww laughs.

“Arm-wrestling a robot? Well, with Dwayne’s strength, they’re evenly matched. But my Boss, I must say that Prometheus is an impressive creation. Valerie created him to protect people. She treats him like he’s just part of the family. She could have made an army, but instead, she made a hero. She made a son. Yet more proof that there’s always hope for Man.”

“Mistah Samm-yuww, Wavendew am gun gu git nummies.”

“Oh, sure. You don’t wanna miss out on this. Tell Victor that I said my compliments to the chef.

“Wut dat meen?”

“It means we really like his cooking. This is really good.”

“Oh. Otay. But mistah Samm-yuww am wite. It am gud nummies.”

“That it is. I’ll see you around, Lav.”

And then you move on.

He was nice, too! Everyone here is so nice!


You finally make it to the gwiwws, where mistah Victor and a few other hoomins are making nummies for everyone. You hear mistah Victor talking to mistah Cal.

“I’ll tell you this, Cal: for a man, good cooking is the way to his heart. But for a woman, it’s the way to her bed.

“Vic, you are a cad.

What was that about?

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INTENSE CACKLING SOUNDS

Why yes, Lavy dear girl, make sure to ask that during Sunday dinner during a lull in the conversation? Here’s an apple slice for your trouble.

And you mentioned Nanny Ogg’s Infamous Scumble… aka ‘scuicider’. It’s made from apples! Well, mostly apples

Thankfully Greebo didn’t inherit his Discworld counterpart’s approach to ‘wooing’

Like always, NobodyAtAll, it’s a real pleasure to get to read your stuff! <3

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Thank you. I enjoyed writing “Breather Episode”, because it gave me a chance to put most of my characters in one location, and have the different groups interact with each other. Plus, it was fun covering the same event from multiple viewpoints. It was a nice way to unwind before the next story arc, wasn’t it?

And Greebo’s every bit the rapist bastard his Discworld counterpart is, but he’s a fluffy, not a cat, so he can’t really get away with it. And now he’s got his bwuddah keeping him in check. He listens to Scarface.

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I was honestly expecting the angel to be Azeraphael, with all the rest of the Pratchett guesting in your ‘verse. But I guess the GO cosmology would clash.

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